Movies.. I hate how they make me cry. Specifically ‘cry’, as even the merry ever afters leave a tear rolling down the cheek with same intensity as the ones with the tragic ends. It is always something I long for. May be that all the way across the street run for that comforting ‘hug’ or may be that hand that would pull me up when I fall or may be that ‘moment’ when the world is what I want to be. May be.. I don’t know what!!
Sometimes I feel I am some 40 years old middle aged woman sitting on her dining table wondering where did all my years go. Where did I lose the ‘hope’ of living my life my way. Where did I give up. The thing is this is not sometimes, lately it’s always. I am tired and sick of myself for turning into a lamenting 19 year old chick with a living illusion of a 40 year old. I apparently do not know if it is just me or every body around my age. And if it is an ‘age’ problem then who are we kidding.. We seriously are into some real problem.
They say a smile can set things right. Wrong. Totally wrong. You can’t smile always because you can’t be that tough every time. Life is not some fairy tale where my angel will come and set me out in my free world. Instead life teaches me on my every step. Even the ones that are taken half. No life is totally wasted one can always be a bad example. The life I crib about is not even half lived. Then how can I be so sure about it being a dump. I really got to think about it. And I did think about it.
The notes that I made out of the book of my years lived are disheartening. I have been so much let down by the little incidents that has today turned me a walking pessimist. A simple group issue resulted into days of weeping. A little crush went by days of ‘he is not going to be mine’ melancholy. A little difference of opinion with mom-dad was a generation gap as ‘they are never going to understand me’. I Guess this little little did turn out to be who I am today. And sadly am not proud of it.
The truth is I was afraid. I was afraid for so long. One after the other things kept happening and I kept believing that it was supposed to be. I never tried to figure out why did the same things and same situations followed and why did they always ended the same way. I was afraid that the answer was me. that their was something wrong with me. That the reasons for all the wrongs was me. This self accusation in the deepest corner of my heart kept eating me from within. It was that termite that hollowed my confidence. That left me pity myself. And I am certainly not proud of it.
When one day I tried to open my eyes and glance at what had been wrong I found that things in real were way different. No . I was definitely not wrong every time. There were times when I was torn because of somebody else. There was a time when I was wrongly blamed. There was a time when I was left alone. And there was a time when I was left very very very alone. But why could not I see it. Why did I fail to realize it sooner. I would not have been that miserable. And I would have definitely not let others gift me nights of tears and misery which I am so not proud of it.
Today, when I write this, I know at least 20 people around me like me. I know they are going through the same self interrogations, same self introspections. I know ,they, like me stay awake in bed thinking about past. Thinking about what they should have done then what they have done. They too dream about a perfect monsoon of ‘friends’ and ‘music’ and ‘dance’ and ‘laugh’ and ‘food’ ( I hope you know I love food) and capturing the moments in the beautiful pictures. So that when days later they turn back to them they are going to relive them each time. And to them I am just going to say it is not going to be easy. It is never going to be easy. The difference between the life we plan and the life we live is honestly the difference of dreams and realities. To live life the way you want to, is the stepping stone to figure out what have you lost. Because what you lost is what you are going to need to build that ‘kingdom of dreams’.
The reason why I love movies and watch at least one every single night (apart from the reason where I cannot fall asleep early) is every night it inspires me to fight what I am trying hard to get rid off. It approaches me with the answer that the less travelled paths might be hard rocked but they keep you alive with a cent percent guarantee. Because somewhere down the line I desperately want to be proud of myself.
