Saturday, June 9, 2012

And am not Proud of it...


Movies.. I hate how they make me cry. Specifically ‘cry’, as even the merry ever afters leave a tear rolling down the cheek with same intensity as the ones with the tragic ends. It is always something I long for. May be that all the way across the street run for that comforting ‘hug’ or may be that hand that would pull me up when I fall or may be that ‘moment’ when the world is what I want to be. May be.. I don’t know what!!


Sometimes I feel I am some 40 years old middle aged woman sitting on her dining table wondering where did all my years go. Where did I lose the ‘hope’ of living my life my way. Where did I give up.  The thing is this is not sometimes, lately it’s always. I am tired and sick of myself for turning into a lamenting 19 year old chick with a living illusion of a 40 year old. I apparently do not know if it is just me or every body around my age. And if it is  an ‘age’ problem then who are we kidding.. We seriously are into some real problem.


They say a smile can set things right. Wrong. Totally wrong. You can’t smile always because you can’t be that tough every time. Life is not some fairy tale where my angel will come and set me out in my free world. Instead life teaches me on my every step. Even the ones that are taken half. No life is totally wasted one can always be a bad example.  The life I crib about is not even half lived. Then how can I be so sure about it being a dump.  I really got to think about it. And I did think about it.


The notes that I made out of the book of my years lived are disheartening. I have been so much let down by the little incidents that has today turned  me a walking pessimist. A simple group issue resulted into days of weeping. A little crush went by days of ‘he is not going to be mine’ melancholy. A little difference of opinion with mom-dad was a generation gap as ‘they are never going to understand me’.  I Guess this little little did turn out to be who I am today. And sadly am not proud of it.


The truth is I was afraid. I was afraid for so long. One after the other things kept happening and I kept believing that it was supposed to be. I never tried to figure out why did the same things and same situations followed and why did they always ended the same way. I was afraid that the answer was me. that their was something wrong with me. That the reasons for all the wrongs was me. This self accusation in the deepest corner of my heart kept eating me from within. It was that termite that hollowed my confidence. That left me pity myself. And I am certainly not proud of it.


When one day I tried to open my eyes and glance at what had been wrong I found that things in real were way different. No . I was definitely not wrong every time. There were times when I was torn because of somebody else. There was a time when I was wrongly blamed. There was a time when I was left alone. And there was a time when I was left very very very alone. But why could not I see it. Why did I fail to realize it sooner. I would not have been that miserable. And I would have definitely not let others gift me nights of tears and misery which I am so not proud of it.


Today, when I write this, I know at least 20 people around me like me. I know they are going through the same self interrogations, same self introspections. I know ,they, like me stay awake in bed thinking about past. Thinking about what they should have done then what they have done. They too dream about a perfect monsoon of ‘friends’ and ‘music’ and ‘dance’ and ‘laugh’ and ‘food’ ( I hope you know I love food) and capturing the moments in the beautiful pictures. So that when days later they turn back to them they are going to relive them each time. And to them I am just going to say it is not going to be easy. It is never going to be easy. The difference between the life we plan and the life we live is honestly the difference of dreams and realities. To live life the way you want to, is the stepping stone to figure out what have you lost. Because what you lost is what you are going to need to build that ‘kingdom of dreams’.


The reason why I love movies and watch at least one every single night (apart from the reason where I cannot fall asleep early) is every night it inspires me to fight what I am trying hard to get rid off. It approaches me with the answer that the less travelled paths might be hard rocked but they keep you alive with a cent percent guarantee. Because somewhere down the line I desperately want to be proud of myself.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

a woven story.......!!!!


and only when insomnia turned down by sleep.. 
 she found love is not a sleepless time.. 
 in the thirst of a 'together' dream.. 
 she closed her pensive misty eyes..
 breaking all the distance bar.. he slept beside her that night..
 oh how sweet did dreams wear.. 
 she with her beloved, nothing in the universe more right.. 



she slept and slept...she dreamed and dreamed.... 
 afraid to wake up...afraid to loose him... 
 in the real world he was a chased star... 
 in her dreams he was just hers... 
 she chose the fiction it seemed more real... 
 she chose an illusion so unreal...
 i wonder how broke will she be...
when those dreamy eyes will open to see... 
 her love her life is not a reality... 




 And with every tic of the clock, She knew it was just a dream 
 The closed serene eyes pictured,
 Her world of tales, not meant to be
 Her pounding heart drenched every bit of hope
 Again she was all lost and alone 
 Cursing the moment when she believed in dreams, Believed they will turn real 
 And now all she has is nothing , 
 But a night of dream and eyes full of tears…!!! 




 And across the room she felt his sight, 
Rushed to embrace her love her knight 
 And across the room when she arrived ,
 Cursed herself for the delusional light.
 I wonder how long is she going to take , 
And understand it is not the time to break 
 Not that hard will it be to win her love, just An honest confession to let him know 
 The Irrevocable love needs some show… 




 One day woke up from her dream 
 Marched she towards her charming prince
 Gathered all the courage she had 
 Wondered what could be more worse already she knew he was not hers… 




 and on her knee that epic day 
 she made a speech, beyond thoughts 
 who could have declined such a love 
 who could have declined those powerful words.. 
 ‘you may be sight of innumerable eyes But for one your omnipresent 
 You may be right for so many beings But for one you are never wrong
 I dream you when I close my eyes 
 I dream you when they are open 
 And today if you do not be mine
 I know my dreams would have no end
 The moon the stars the sky the night
 Say poets make poetry shine 
 But the YOU the YOU the YOU the YOU 
 And nothing else will ever be in poetry of mine..
 If today I go.. I go with you.. 
 Else only will my body go 
 my soul that is already yours will betray my body for love of you..’

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I AM A GIRL..

Running towards the door with trembling steps.. duppatta being dragged with the girl across the hall.. enwrapping the dust.. alcohol.. fear.. and abruptly pulled with the most ferocious pull a girl could bear.. still sprinting.. feet hits the chair .. tripped..and the chase is over… the venomous mass of body caught the leg.. heaved the girl like a sack.. the begging screech.. the sinful snort.. the evil lust and a soul with the acceptance of loss.. endless ten minutes and every drop of life was drenched.. the victorious panther with his victory walk.. and a living cadaver lies in middle of the sarcophagus room jeweled with cries of atrocity…

What next?? The following morrow column headline, increased statistics, some political debates ( where certainly the main agenda is of least importance), COMPENSATION (on the stereotype belief money can solve anything) to the victim and a soon forgotten story.

Then starts the real battle. Refusal of acceptance in the society on the basis of Old school ‘APAVITRATA’ . Apathetic eyes following the injured psyche. The little girl dream of a fairytale marriage being lost in the dust . Family being discussed as ‘ABHAGYA’. Entire life spent in isolation. And all this resultant of forever frozen ten minutes. The journey of heaven to hell seems surprisingly short eeh??

Even after sixty four years of independence our nation is trapped in viciousness. The gender responsible for the ongoing generations is the one treated with most indignity. I guess the male education has elapsed the difference of behavior towards living and non-living beings. In the era where we are supposed to be moving ahead we are sinking in stains.

I am girl living in the capital of this nation. I am a girl whose parents call several times a day. I am girl whose parents call so many times just to assure I am safe. I am girl whose parents fear every night when a CRIME TIME show reveals another rape case. I am girl who is supposed to be in door before eight. I am girl who in accordance to self defense has to carry a knife or a pepper spray. I am girl who while crossing road has to suffer every malevolence stare. I am a girl who in a salwar-kameez feels like a whore, because the men around are just getting bored. I am girl who is not to raise voice, as the male chauvinist ego will end my life. I am a girl.. hey wait sometimes I wonder why am I girl.. ?

You can protect your wife not somebody else’s .You can protect your daughter not somebody else’s. You can protect your sister not somebody else’s, you can protect your friend not somebody else’s. What a pervert!! Till when we are expected to swallow the humiliation. We die every single time a lustful eye is targeted in our direction. We have confident, striking, and magnificent exteriors and our interior is a canvas painted with red and black. But you.. you out there are always ready for a new hunt.

Friends of mine and me.. we want to settle abroad.. life there seems much more at ease. We are ready to leave our place.. our comfort.. to live our life practically then theoretically because you here have literally made it impossible to think of a safe home safe future within these boundaries. Our nerves quiver with horror when another rape case is recorded. Whose next is all that circumferences our minds. We are afraid to meet new people.. talk to them.. our life is nothing but a pothole of ongoing interrogation about safe-unsafe, right-wrong, good-bad and more precisely MAN-DEVIL.

In life god forbid if ever I come across you, be assured of one thing no matter how much torn I would be, I will not be a walking dead, how much unsolicited I will be I will not give up, how much discussed I will be I will not be pitied, you know why? Because I am a girl who lives in the capital of this city, whose dreams are to be fulfilled, whose parents prayers are to be met, and whose life is to be lived and not sacrificed. I am a girl and no matter how much u exist.. I am a proud one.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

When Sense Fades And We Are Lost…

Amidst the crowd of giggling beings sits one with a fake laughter.
Amidst the crowd of giggling beings sits one with a different chapter.
Amidst the crowd of giggling beings his life is a hidden mystery
Amidst the crowd of giggling beings he is wondering who is he ?

Sometimes in life comes a point when one is so much immersed in the shimmer that you eventually lose YOU in the long run. Determine as we are , the realization would rebuff to occur till the new you appear. Till every drop of you has lost its fragrance and dried out the soul. Just like a true human who will learn only when the wrong is done so will you. And I right here have happened to register my name in the list of these eminent people .
Few days back sitting in a park I visualized the reason for which I came all the way to this new city. The reason for which I am away from my people and amongst people I barely know . When I look at the span of time spent and what has it made me I pity the person I am. I am so LOST . But for sure I am not the only one. It’s a phase each one of us has to go through. The LOST and FOUND quest is an ever going one, as we believe in ‘repeat telecasts’.
The always ecstatic ambience makes you feel part of it only to make you feel all by yourself in the end. But we, as wise as we are will fall in the pit, scratch the body, hurt ourselves and then understand how stupid were we . The pain of betrayal (by your believed to be dear ones) shakes you from within. You start interrogating yourself. What did I do? Where did I go wrong? You just turn into a melancholy loner who would disgust himself with his silence.
Anger, Adamance, Arrogance, Abhorrence will reason you and take over all your senses. Revenge is what you will aim in your every step. The rage to get back at what happened with you will bring out the devil dug deep inside every human being. You all break all ties. Even the one who really cared will be left in despair. Wow how evil can you be.

The list of problems start when list of expectations rise. When there were supposed to be none we happened to have made a list of them. To be honest we are left hurt because we let people hurt us. We are so lost because we let our identities being mixed in the mob. Its nobody’s but our fault. We really need to stop blaming others for our misery. ‘As you sow, so shall you reap’, then why do we let people leave us in desolation.
Wake up ! hit the bottom
Life won’t go easy on you
The deep seas await your presence
Dive underwater with your true essence
Journey is hard so shall it be
Strong and alone fight the enemy.
We need to understand life is going to be just this way- rough and tough but we have to make our path obstacle free. People tend to hurt, relationships tend to break. The strongest man is he who stands most alone, said a wise man. I wonder why the line is not met by wise minds. I am struggling hard to find my way back hope everyone like me can..!!!

Friday, March 23, 2012

FORGIVE..... BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM....!!!!!!

Life is about second chances. We spend so much time in hating the ones we love for hurting us rather realizing we all make mistakes. Yes we do. No matter how much correct we think of ourselves we are not . We cannot be perfect. In life we might come to a point where the clarity of right and wrong blurs our vision but then that does not mean we have to loose our sight. Does it??? I spend hours thinking why did that person hurt me?? Why did she never understand me?? Why my parents keep scolding me?? Never did once I try to realize I can be wrong. The raging fire of “why me?? “kept me so busy that I apparently overlooked my mistakes… my faults… my slip ups. Sometimes I do recognize them and yes I do find out that I am being excessively stubborn but my ego stops me from apologizing. Y is it so?? Why can not things be easy and I can say I am sorry and just get away with it?? Why do I have to lay awake all night in the guilt of being wrong yet not accepting??? Why god??? Why cannot I find my answers?? Why all my questions always are left unanswered??
At times I think you are being very cruel with me but a minute later I realize it is not just me and my pain the world is in much more trouble than me. The evil power to unforgettable incidents of life makes us will to relive them…. To turn it our way… to end it the way we always wanted it to end. But life is different..Reality is different. We cannot. What has happened has happened. Sometimes the closest person has to leave. But that does not means he is wrong. It’s just that he had no other option. When he comes back accept him. Do not let it happen all over again. Remember the pain you felt when he left and forgive him to not feel what u felt. Do what your heart says. It is kind of poetic but it is true heart never lies. Those beats inside you..Those rhythms in your body.. They help you to dance real slow in your life. To enjoy your life. To love those who love you. To care for them. To spend time with them
There is so much unsaid. In this ongoing battle… we miss so many moments. A moment of mother’s love. A moment of father’s joke. A moment of brother’s protection and a moment of friend’s laugh. The abhorrence for what they did surpasses their love… our love… do not do it. They do not deserve it. You do not deserve it. There is whole life to loath but a while to love.. concern.. pleasure of togetherness. Have it. Have that while. May be it is not tough. You are not that weak. And you have all the power it takes to forget. . Because we all make mistakes. And this time you cannot afford to loose them. Can you??

The pain I feel when u left me
Sad and crying tears all over
But yes u came back apologized
I forgave ….lets forget
Make a new life.

FAILURE…WITH LOTS OF S’s

Failures…… sometimes you just can not get rid of them. They are those uninvited unwelcomed guests who daunt you to an unimaginable extent. Once a great man said “failures are stepping stones to success”, not to counter him but I was wondering lately why do in reality these stones seem pebbles which just cannot hold our weight enough to get us through our journey?? Why??
It is funny though that no matter how hard you try there is always a remark added with your failures from your kith and kins , “you know what you do not try enough.. you take things very lightly……you are not able to “assess” yourself…” . like really??? After all his efforts if still one is not getting what he deserve does that mean ain’t trying….does that leave him vague enough?? Is it even fair??? Do people think he is a fool who wants to let things slip from hands???well then may be he is.
There was a chapter in my school literature book. The theory stuck to me too much which I realize today. It said “the world is rattrap. Everything around is a bait to catch you and leave you with enormity of nothingness”. People must have told you many times… you are good at this you are good at that….but when you go out with that good thing to win over world you suddenly discover you never were that good. There are hundreds out there with same dream and much more talent and you are just a tiny part of it.
We all go through the same stages in life. Some have victory written all over them whereas some make their way through times that test their patience and capability and some wait their whole life for that ray of hope that then seem simply buried. It is not about pessimism or negativity. Not at all. It is about a apprehension that nothing is a fairytale. And there is nothing called a happy ending until you finally discover it. You can not depend on fate because someone said that “ dude you are gonna make big..you are talented” , no so –called talent is worth until it is recognized by the right people. Till then all you are left with is struggle and perseverance. And you have to do it. No matter what …..there are people in a corner of this world whom you owe happiness and satisfaction which can be only given through your victory.
Learn always learn your lesson. Do not give up. The only thing you got to be scared is “nothing”. Do not be ashamed if you do not get what you want in the present because the future is holding jewels for you. We all studied in our moral science values it is high time we apply it…. Be an optimist at least it gives you a dream..a hope that one day what you wanted will be what you are getting.
My favorite writer wrote:
"Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em." – sir William shakespeare
And you know what?? I know you are “them”…

TELL ME BFF...

Friendship to me was just me and you
Then why do I stand alone
Fumbling with the questions queue
My reasoning is a void
My answers are lost
Tell me BFF what went wrong with us????

I know am stubborn I know am silly
I know am insecure I know am a bully
But so I am….u knew it all time
Still u put me behind bars
for the “possessiveness crime” ?????
I really want to know
please Tel me BFF what went wrong with us????

Our chemistry our faith
Our long lasting chats
Our ongoing stories and emotional grasp
Do you really believe others that I was fake
As you know very well am not an actor that great
I am really confused and am really surprised
Why do not u Tell me BFF
where I went wrong with us?????

You surprise me with no answers
As you are the one with all
You kept saying am no more same
Whenever I called
Then why such a delay in telling
What went wrong???

Tell me BFF you owe me an answer
For the friendship’s sake we once shared
And for the friendship I still care….